It's been a busy, school-filled week, and it's only Tuesday. My weekend constituted of homework and an MUN conference, which is actually perfect considering my theme for this post.
As many of you loyal followers will know, I am a massive nerd. Not in the stereotypical sense that I wear glasses, and dress like a scientist, and carry around seven calculators. (Please, I only carry around three.) I am a massive nerd through my actions, the way I think about things, and the way I try hard in school, and, basically, my whole self.
No one really ever calls me a nerd, unless I outsmart them or correct their spelling, but no one ever denies it. My mother says I'm not a nerd, because I'm quite cool. I mean, I dress quite classically and I have really nice friends. I'm not what people would label was a nerd, until they have known me for a while, and then I am nothing but. And, then again, it's my mother who said that to me, so...
I love being a nerd. It means I am eccentric, intelligent, but still fun. I don't care about social constraints and "being cool." I just like having fun and meeting new people. I love being crazy, and saying random things, and getting uncomfortably close to someone just to make it awkward. Life is more fun through the cracked-lensed view of a nerd.
I love "nerdy" things. I geek out over little things, like when someone monumental happens in a book, or when someone calls me pretty, or when my resolution gets passed in MUN (more on that later.) I love geeking out... it's fun. "Geeking out", for those unfamiliar, is when you get an overwhelming burst of happiness over something rather small, and this newfound energy is only exerted by smiling like a madman and dancing around.
I also say big words. And write long sentences. And make a lot of lists. And write really long essays. And write novels. And like poetry. And find "teacher jokes" funny. And talk to adults. And act like Jess from 'New Girl' from time to time. And go weird when I am in front of someone gorgeous. And hug people all the time. And draw on my hands in eyeliner. And know a lot of references to a lot of films and books that no one has ever heard of. And I read books, long books, with 900 or so pages. And I say the word 'and' a lot.
I also like the classic 'nerd' person. All of you O.C. fans will know what I mean when I say I love the "Seth Cohen." I honestly believe that I need to marry someone like him. I need a guy who isn't ashamed of liking weird things, like how Seth likes comic books. I need a guy who will tell me jokes about the periodic table, and make me feel all gushy inside when he sings me a song or dictates a poem. I also need friends who aren't afraid to show their nerdy side; the side that I often bring out in people.
I love that kind of person, because, no matter what their likes and dislikes are, they are always sensitive, loving and caring. I mean, even though Seth loves comic books, he still names his boat after the girl he loves. Those small tokens of love are so meaningful, and they are often cleverly thought of when extended by a "nerd."
I guess that I classify myself as a nerd because I was bullied when I was younger. I have gone through some of the sad stories of my past before on my beloved blog, but they don't communicate the big picture. Bullying is a long, extensive and scarring process. When you are bullied, you can never quite shake the feeling that there is something wrong with you. Every time you do something, and you don't received the desired reaction from the people around you, something in your mind spirals downwards and makes you think negatively of yourself, even if no one around has said a word. That's all because you're used to being put down, and it's a reflex action, something engrained in your mind.
My bullying started in about Year Two. I have always been the eccentric one, on the outside looking in. I gravitated to toys no one played with, often meaning that I was excluded. I would get nasty comments from petty little girls, and their mothers would be made to apologise. This carried on until the last year of prep school. The girls were still vicious, and the words still horrible. But I made it through, focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel: senior school.
However, it only got worse, especially when I was in Year Seven and Eight. Books of mine would go missing, people would steal my money, my packed lunches. One time I was even physically abused, but it was only minor compared to some of the stories I hear. But I had friends, all of whom I still cling to, and they are who made me happy through this darkness.
From then, it improved greatly. The classes were shuffled around, and I was with my friends. The rude comments didn't stop though. I go to an all-girls school. It's bitchy. But I learnt to deal with all of that at a very early age. The bullying still hasn't properly stopped - people are still mean, and people still love to watch other people suffer. But it's less regular. Or maybe I am stronger. I would love to think the latter.
My overactive imagination and complacent brain bodes well with loneliness. Sometimes, I am still pushed on the outside of conversations. When I recently went to Amsterdam with my school (click here to read about the wonderful things I did!) I was abandoned by my only three friends who were on the trip. Yes, most of my year was there, and they are all lovely girls. But I had three friends who I thought were real and true to me. However, they isolated me completely. We still haven't spoken properly since, and they were rude, and heartless, and cold behind my back. But this meant that I was able to wonder around Amsterdam, my headphones in, and just enjoy being there, without worrying about who I was talking to, or the dramas of teenage life. I spoke to different people, people who have turned out to be just as wonderfully nerdy as I am.
What I am trying to say is, I feel like a massive nerd as a result of past actions. I feel like people who have been bullied will be able to identify with me on this one. It's as though a mechanism has been planted in my brain, just reminding me of all the comments that were said about me, every time I open my mouth. It doesn't stop me from living how I want, but it fills me with a burning shame sometimes. It's difficult to describe, even for me.
But I have realised, through these past five days writing this post, that I am really happy with who I am. Yes, I am nerdy, and everything I mentioned above, but I am truly happy. I love my quirkiness. It makes me feel lively, and it makes everyone around me smile. It means I am caring and philanthropic, and have a thirst for knowledge.
And being happy with who I am as a person is a really big thing for me.
I hope that this post wasn't too long and grating. If you have read it all, thank you so much. You are all so wonderful to me, and I am forever in your debt.
Lots and lots of nerdy, slobbery love,