These past few weeks have really held a lot of change for me. I find this so weird, considering that this is the one time in my life when I should remain a constant agent: exam season. Change is such a life-transforming thing, and in no way possible would I have ever wanted myself or anything in my life to change now. I love change and I always embrace it, but in this time I didn't even think anything would come in to my life and act as a catalyst for change. Through the year so far, this has been the time I have encountered the most change, even when I haven't really been doing anything - my biggest plan is in fact today, seeing Gatsby with my grandma (the alliteration in that sentence just makes it even more exciting.)
It's not just that I have changed, but a lot of things in my life have, and quite a lot of them are things that I thought were constants.
Some of them are trivial: the way in which I revise, for example. Six months ago, I would have sworn by hand-writing revision notes, making them really detailed, and just using writing as my revision tool. But since my syllabi are so dense, I couldn't sacrifice the time to hand-write everything, so I decided to type them all up. I am glad I did, now. My human geography notes (which is just half of my whole geography syllabus) are 67 pages long and over 30,000 words. That's just half of one subject. And I have also changed in the sense that reading aloud helps me remember, too, and teaching other people; communicating my knowledge in a more practical way.
I've also changed in my tastes, the type of music I like, the way I like to dress and my general interests. These are just normal things in the course of growing up, but I didn't think they'd change so extremely at a time when I wasn't even trying to actualise any change.
But the patterns of change I have really been focusing on are the deeper changes I have been going through.
I was never one to dwell, and I have always been that person who can make herself happy even through the darkest of times. However, over the past few months I have been feeling rather down, and like all aspects of my life are quite dark. I have been thinking this for quite some time. But last night, at a Mcfly concert with my family, I realised that this, too, had changed, and it really wasn't the case. In fact, it was during a beautiful performance of one of my favourite songs:
I cried during the performance. I have said this a million times before, and I feel the need to stress it again - I don't cry. I don't cry in the Titanic, I don't cry at sad songs, I only really cry when something is important and actually happening in my life. But, just like everything else, recently this has changed. I cried when watching the film 'Say Anything' the other day. And I cried during this performance. And I kind of cried on my way home from work yesterday. And I've kind of been crying most nights as I listen to a particular song I have had on repeat for the last two months. And I kind of cry every single bad day I have been facing.
This is weird, because I am not a crier, just like how it's weird that I am sad because all through my life I have been a happy person who can get through the worst of times. And I've realised something now... there's a pattern of change in my life, just like how there is a pattern of change in this blog post, that I have somehow not wanted to realise.
I am sad, and I have been crying, and I have experienced all of these deeper changes, not because all of the aspects in my life are bad and dark like how I thought. That thought has changed, too. It's because the root of all of these emotions is a complete change from anything else I have experienced before. All of the darkness that comes from bad times with friends, family, school, work, et cetera, they are all rectifiable as I have dealt with them my whole life. Through my entire life I have experienced these problems, and these are the things I have found dark, and these are the things I can soldier on through and be happy about at the end.
But they aren't the reason for this sadness.
The reason for this change is due to one individual. One person who has their palm pressed firmly on my heart and has the power to exert any kind of pressure on it. And right now, it's constricting so tight I can't even tell if my heart is beating.
It's the person I think about every day, even when I shouldn't. The thought is just there, running concurrent with all of my other ones. Even during exams. It's the person I really wish doesn't read my blog. It's the one person I would actually do anything for even though we barely speak, and they would probably not do the same thing. The worst feeling in the world is knowing that the one person you care about doesn't feel anything for you anymore.
And just because of that, just this one person, I have changed as a person. I am emotional and I hate it. I over-think way more, and it's all about them. I hate it. If there was any way to remove myself from any trait of this person I would without a doubt. And it scares me that I can't, as this is another pattern of mine that has changed. I can so easily remove someone out of my life, it's my worst quality, but not this person.
I am down because I am stuck, as there is nothing I can do about it.
Sorry I am so pathetic.
But one thing that will never change is my love for blogging and my love for you guys,