Changing patterns.

Hello my dears,

These past few weeks have really held a lot of change for me. I find this so weird, considering that this is the one time in my life when I should remain a constant agent: exam season. Change is such a life-transforming thing, and in no way possible would I have ever wanted myself or anything in my life to change now. I love change and I always embrace it, but in this time I didn't even think anything would come in to my life and act as a catalyst for change. Through the year so far, this has been the time I have encountered the most change, even when I haven't really been doing anything - my biggest plan is in fact today, seeing Gatsby with my grandma (the alliteration in that sentence just makes it even more exciting.)

It's not just that I have changed, but a lot of things in my life have, and quite a lot of them are things that I thought were constants.

Some of them are trivial: the way in which I revise, for example. Six months ago, I would have sworn by hand-writing revision notes, making them really detailed, and just using writing as my revision tool. But since my syllabi are so dense, I couldn't sacrifice the time to hand-write everything, so I decided to type them all up. I am glad I did, now. My human geography notes (which is just half of my whole geography syllabus) are 67 pages long and over 30,000 words. That's just half of one subject. And I have also changed in the sense that reading aloud helps me remember, too, and teaching other people; communicating my knowledge in a more practical way.

I've also changed in my tastes, the type of music I like, the way I like to dress and my general interests. These are just normal things in the course of growing up, but I didn't think they'd change so extremely at a time when I wasn't even trying to actualise any change.

But the patterns of change I have really been focusing on are the deeper changes I have been going through.

I was never one to dwell, and I have always been that person who can make herself happy even through the darkest of times. However, over the past few months I have been feeling rather down, and like all aspects of my life are quite dark. I have been thinking this for quite some time. But last night, at a Mcfly concert with my family, I realised that this, too, had changed, and it really wasn't the case. In fact, it was during a beautiful performance of one of my favourite songs:

I cried during the performance. I have said this a million times before, and I feel the need to stress it again - I don't cry. I don't cry in the Titanic, I don't cry at sad songs, I only really cry when something is important and actually happening in my life. But, just like everything else, recently this has changed. I cried when watching the film 'Say Anything' the other day. And I cried during this performance. And I kind of cried on my way home from work yesterday. And I've kind of been crying most nights as I listen to a particular song I have had on repeat for the last two months. And I kind of cry every single bad day I have been facing.

This is weird, because I am not a crier, just like how it's weird that I am sad because all through my life I have been a happy person who can get through the worst of times. And I've realised something now... there's a pattern of change in my life, just like how there is a pattern of change in this blog post, that I have somehow not wanted to realise.

I am sad, and I have been crying, and I have experienced all of these deeper changes, not because all of the aspects in my life are bad and dark like how I thought. That thought has changed, too. It's because the root of all of these emotions is a complete change from anything else I have experienced before. All of the darkness that comes from bad times with friends, family, school, work, et cetera, they are all rectifiable as I have dealt with them my whole life. Through my entire life I have experienced these problems, and these are the things I have found dark, and these are the things I can soldier on through and be happy about at the end.

But they aren't the reason for this sadness.

The reason for this change is due to one individual. One person who has their palm pressed firmly on my heart and has the power to exert any kind of pressure on it. And right now, it's constricting so tight I can't even tell if my heart is beating.

It's the person I think about every day, even when I shouldn't. The thought is just there, running concurrent with all of my other ones. Even during exams. It's the person I really wish doesn't read my blog. It's the one person I would actually do anything for even though we barely speak, and they would probably not do the same thing. The worst feeling in the world is knowing that the one person you care about doesn't feel anything for you anymore.

And just because of that, just this one person, I have changed as a person. I am emotional and I hate it. I over-think way more, and it's all about them. I hate it. If there was any way to remove myself from any trait of this person I would without a doubt. And it scares me that I can't, as this is another pattern of mine that has changed. I can so easily remove someone out of my life, it's my worst quality, but not this person.

I am down because I am stuck, as there is nothing I can do about it.

Sorry I am so pathetic.

But one thing that will never change is my love for blogging and my love for you guys,

-Etienne.

Feelings.

Hello my lovelies,

Lately, as a lot of writers do, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about feelings. Selfishly and predominantly, my own, but also those of other people.

You see, I am that person who always puts her emotions on the back burner for someone else. 90% of the time, this is a good thing. I always put other people first. I feel guilt when I don't. I don't care how sad I am or how much pain I am in, if I have let someone else suffer because I was thinking of myself first, I couldn't live with myself. I get all jittery and I try overwhelmingly hard to justify myself even though I am wrong, and end up just sacrificing what I feel anyway.

I like doing that. I really like to make others happy, it seems kind of like a calling in life. I don't get a great deal of pleasure through ignoring people to take time for myself, by pampering myself when I have other duties to do, or by just letting someone fend for themselves when I know I can help. I get so much pleasure when I know that I am the root, or even a contributor, of someone else's happiness. I get so much joy from putting a smile on another person's face, it almost takes away from the hurt it may cause me.

However, lately, this hurt has been slightly overwhelming, and I got a huge slap in the face earlier this week.

I cannot go in to much detail, and I don't want to. Let's just say that my situation right now isn't ideal and it is tearing me to shreds. But it is the first time in my life that I am genuinely sticking up for my feelings.

Not only do I put my feelings on the back burner for people, but I am often forced to squash them for the happiness of other people. Even when something has been done which is wrong to me, or something awful has happened, I have often had to suppress what I have been feeling because I can. I am strong, and to prevent further conflict or whatever else might follow the certain situation, I often just bury the true feelings I have and move on. Forgive and forget, right?

Well, forgetting is easier said than done. Sometimes you think that you have forgotten something because you always forgive. It takes something unforgivable to remind yourself that those things you thought you have forgotten are still very much so in your memory, in fact they have shaped your whole mind and sculpted your whole existence. It takes something of such a high extreme to remind you that these things really should not be forgotten.

And I got that earlier this week. I realised that I had been putting up with so much that I should never have. I let someone walk all over me for my whole life, bully me, taunt me, and twist things around me so that I looked like the bad person. I looked awful when all I had done my whole life is cater to this person, adore her, love her, try with her. And then I realised that my whole life of just 'forgiving and forgetting' what she had done to me hadn't actually done any good. It hadn't actually fixed anything. It just let those problems that I 'forgot' manifest under the surface and build up and grow until they got big, ugly, swollen and were unavoidable.

I was hurt. Hurt to the core. What had happened acted like a catalyst to a reaction which should have happened years ago. No, it should never have had to happen.

I am not a confrontational person. I hate fighting, I hate screaming, and all I ever want is for everything to be in peace and act in the way it should. But this time I couldn't stand it. I couldn't just sit here and swallow my feelings anymore. If I did, this would just happen again and again. I would be abused and mistreated and the cycle would just continue. The cycle would turn in to a spiral, a downwards tail-spin, and the only person spiralling to the abyss would be me. It's not fair when that happens. Not when it's not your fault. Not when you haven't and have never done anything to this person.

I had felt thwarted, undermined and unloved for so long, by a person who I had tried with for too long. I had become afraid of someone I loved. I was tiptoeing around constantly, trying not to step on one of her pre-layed traps and start of a succession of bombs. But I wasn't going to be a part of the war zone anymore. And they had to begin to understand what they had done to me.

So I did it. I actually took a stance.

I have separated myself from this person. No contact. It's making my life hell, it really is. And, the funny thing is, they don't understand that I have done this to get away from them, to escape the hell they have been putting me through for so long. They have no clue.

I feel so liberated, though. Even if they never realise, I have finally done it. I have actually voiced my opinions and taken action. I will not be moved. For the first time, I am sticking by my decisions and putting my feelings first. Maybe, just maybe, this person will realise what they have done to me, purely due to this being so bad that even I couldn't suppress my feelings, the girl who has for her whole (almost) 17 years.

There are these other feelings I am experiencing which I feel need to be bottled up. Just for now. I don't really know what to do with them and they haunt me in the night. I think you can tell by my recent poem what I mean (click here to read.) 

So here's a lesson to you all. Don't bottle up your feelings. Always wish the best for others, but don't let it rule you and don't let it make you suffer to such an extent that you forget what happiness feels like. I've been in that place for a lot longer than I should have, and, let me tell you, it's an arduous climb back up hill.

Side note: I have done half of my exams now (jumps around and does three cheers and then collapses from exhaustion.) I had two exams today, and a clash, so I was in isolation for three hours. So much fun. It was actually alright, I got to talk to my teachers and laugh and revise poetry all on my lonesome, so it was alright. I have a two and a half hour Italian exam tomorrow, and then my next two are next Tuesday. Wish me luck, petals.

Now, to bask in the enormity of my bed, adorned with clean sheets, and with the remainder of a two litre bottle of cloudy lemonade, which I am a little ashamed to say I have drunk all by myself.

I hope you are all doing well with all of your lives. Keep me updated! I miss you guys.

Lots of love,

-Etienne.

'It Scares Me' - Poem, by Etienne Stoller.

Hello my dears,

So, I was walking around me room, and all of a sudden, this one line of poetry "that's what scares me, that's what scares me, that's what scares me" kept playing around in my head until I sat down here and composed this poem. This has been the product of a weird fifteen minutes of stylised grief. Tell me what you think!

It Scares Me

There's not a lot that scares me, 

I don't have many fears.

But lately I've been feeling the

Acid of fright in my tears.

It corrugates my skin and 

Erodes at my cheeks.

All I can think that it's what frightens me

That's causing me to weep.

So I thought I'd make a list,

Compose a little poem;

It's a way to show I am afraid

Without it really showing.

I'm not scared of ghosts or of death,

Or of slithering snakes.

I'm not scared of drastic heights,

Or what in the future awaits.

I've developed a slight fear of the dark, though;

I feel uneasy in my sleep.

I reach for comfort in my music

To drown out what's lurking beneath

My bed, my room, my head,

Beneath the engulfing darkness of night.

I'm scared it will pull me in so deep

I'll never find the light.

But the switch is right next to me,

I can turn it on by my own accord.

It's not missing the light electricity can give me

That's causing this discord.

It's the light you took when you left me,

In that dark February.

The little light I had then has grown dimmer and dimmer

To produce a summer flurry of

Twilight.

That time of night that isn't light

But isn't dark and has the promise

Of an impending sunrise.

But the sun never comes,

And it's getting darker and darker,

But in the end, I know

It's not the light I am after.

What scares me more than darkness,

Hurts me more than pain,

Is the recurring fear that I will never

Wake up next to you again.

I'll never see your bright blue eyes

Stare deep right in to mine

And blend in to the sky

That we sit under.

Because there are no blue skies in twilight.

There is no blue in my life.

There is no light to guide the way --

I'm falling in flight.

It scares me that I feel more

For you than you ever will for me.

That this love will never burn out,

Like the mantle of the earth under the sea.

Now I'm stuck in this twilight,

And you're unable to see me,

Because whilst your off in a summer daze,

I'm stuck here by what scares me.

I'm kind of, sort of, really, obsessed with the way this turned out. I'm not really a structured poet kind of person; I don't usually have a strict rhyme scheme or rhythm or verse form. But I like this one a lot, a lot, a lot. I hope you do, too.

Lots of love,

-Etienne.